In this blog post, I take a deep look at whether the tears shed at a funeral are a true expression of grief, or a form of pity for ourselves, left behind alone.
Although I lived under the same roof as my grandparents from a young age, we weren’t close. My grandparents always lived life on their own terms, and I naturally kept my distance from their lives. Their lives were rooted in the past, while I was in the process of moving toward the future. We shared the same physical space, but we existed in different times. Perhaps that is why, even as the funeral proceeded, not a single tear fell from my eyes. I could not understand the grief of the guests who had come to the funeral, and I found it even harder to comprehend the tears shed by my mother, who had scolded my grandparents day in and day out. Was it just to fit in with the mood? Or were their emotions running high because it was the end? It was like a group of babies—the moment one starts crying, they all burst into tears. I wasn’t that old when the funeral took place, but I think my own attitude toward death was already quite firm. Even now, I don’t think I would shed a tear if anyone were to die.
Death, by definition, is the phenomenon of life ceasing to exist. While this word seems simple to define, deep meanings lie hidden within it. Although the word “death” encompasses various meanings, I would describe it as a change in relationships. It is like moving to another country—a transition to a realm completely different from this world, whether physically or mentally. The only difference is the degree. One could say that we have parted ways with the person who has met death. I believe that the sorrow felt by those who witness someone’s death is a product of the loneliness of being left behind, much like a person who has been told by a beloved partner that their relationship is over. We who remain in this world have a duty to bring our lonely lives to an end.
Since childhood, I have often experienced a sense of distance and isolation in my relationships with others. Perhaps this is what has become even more vividly apparent in my relationship with death. If one believes that those left behind in this world are more troubled and lonely than those who have moved on to the world of the dead, then one can understand the tears shed at a funeral to some extent. Since people always prioritize their own well-being above all else, one could say that the tears were shed not because of your death, but because of my own loneliness. In a way, it may be natural to find life sad. From the moment we are born, we experience separation from our parents’ bodies and become completely alone. No one can ever be exactly like me, and no one can fully understand me. To fully understand another person is to become that person, and in that case, they could no longer be considered “another person” to begin with. Even without considering the sincerity of the sympathy or comfort we receive from others, we experience extreme loneliness and sadness throughout our lives. To endure this sadness, we drink alcohol that threatens our lives, put ourselves in danger by never putting down our smartphones on the street, and ruin our bodies by staying up all night on the computer. We are risking our lives to alleviate our sorrow. Feeling sorrow in life is perfectly normal and natural, and we must accept it as it is.
Now let’s talk about the sorrow of those who have faced death. While we cannot definitively confirm the existence of an afterlife, if such a world exists and consciousness persists after death, then those who have died also experience separation. They experience a parting from the world and from people, but this is merely a matter of the distance between them growing—it is a relative concept determined by who has departed. Since we cannot establish an absolute standard to determine which world is “there,” the deceased is also left alone, and their feelings will be one of loneliness and sorrow.
I believe that life and death are a series of events; death does not simply follow life, but rather the distance between the two grows.
There is simply a village of death next to the village of life. We living humans, lacking information about the next world (the afterlife), have defined it in such a way that we treat it as if it were a sequence of events. This is likely a landscape beyond a wall that we cannot fathom, no matter how advanced science becomes. Those who have been well-trained to cope with the sorrow of loneliness felt during their lives can also accept the loneliness that comes with death. They will be able to accept not only the deaths of others but even their own death with humility and dignity. If our thinking is limited to this world, then death alone would be sorrow. However, since both life and death involve the loneliness of being alone, and the two have always been on equal footing, death should not be any sadder, nor should life be any less sad.
Marvel Comics’ green hero, the Hulk, transforms into a green giant when he gets angry, becoming a superhero. In fact, in the early days, the Hulk couldn’t control his anger and hurt people, but he found a way. It was to expose himself to his anger exactly as it was. Because he was always in a state of anger, he learned to control his powers. Like the Hulk, we too must expose ourselves fully to sadness and accept the loneliness that comes with life and death exactly as it is. Rather than relying on alcohol or computers for the strength to endure sadness, we must become the Blue Hulk, feeling and embracing our sorrow. By doing so, we will become stronger and more at peace than we are now.
